Overcome Addition and save Your marriage | Cody Butler

Cody Butler is the founder of "The Better Marriage" and "The God-Centered Man". 
  
 Cody helps Business Men who are struggling, to rebuild their marriage from the ground up. 
  
 He's also the author #1 Best Selling Author of “Cut The B.S - A No-Nonsense Guide To Happiness”. 
  
 Cody's been featured on Fox, ABC, and NBC and has worked with thousands of clients people to date.

Transcript

cody: 0:01

So the question is like, what would you have to believe, to conduct that behavior? What would you have to believe to engage in that behavior? Because just like so you're smart guy, you're successful. You're not. You're not naive to the consequences of what you're doing, right? You're not naive to the consequences of what you're doing. So the question that really uncovers everything is what would you have to believe in order to engage in this behavior? Welcome to the Josh Bolton show. Die interesting and inspiring conversation.

Josh Bolton: 0:36

And now your host, Josh Bolten. Sounds good to me, man.

cody: 0:45

Nothing like a live stream at three o'clock in the morning.

Josh Bolton: 0:48

You're like I don't have enough coffee for this man.

cody: 0:52

I'll get my sparkling water.

Josh Bolton: 0:54

Oh, even better. Look around, is it?

cody: 0:58

It's a generic brand.

Josh Bolton: 1:00

Give your generic brands way different than mine.

cody: 1:03

Yeah, that's Walworth. Just like supermarket brand. Okay. Yeah. So it'd be like we didn't really have Winn Dixie and then California or Kroger, what's it? Yeah, we

Josh Bolton: 1:15

have like Kroger is the big one out here.

cody: 1:17

Kroger Yeah. So it'd be like Kroger own brand equivalent. Dollar about $1. About Oh, man, it's perfect.

Josh Bolton: 1:25

Man. It's not $1 here anymore. In California. It's like $2 for a 16 ounce.

cody: 1:32

Oh, yeah. Yeah. People People complain about the price of gasoline, man, it's water. What is what's expensive? It is.

Josh Bolton: 1:43

So I'm just curious, what was the like the the backstory to you why you got into your situation, and coaching people how to handle the work life balance.

cody: 1:56

So really, so it's more like, my focus is marriage, or relationships? Yeah, so I started out, I was probably my first online business was live coaching. And that was mid 2000s. Okay, I didn't have to, I just didn't have the skills to make that work. Like in terms of business wise, marketing wise, I couldn't, I couldn't get it off the ground. So I ended up getting a job in a marketing agency. Actually, as you know, it's a long story, why we ended up getting a job at a marketing agency. And for 1012 years, I went down that down that route of becoming a marketing specialist and became a marketing consultant and did very well work for some of the biggest companies in the world and actually learn working with business owners as I could see that the problem that they were having, for the, for the most part, were in the home, like there's a lot of high performance men who had low performance marriages. And of course, if your relationships are not working, then nothing's working in your life. And a lot of the problems to that owning a business created. So for myself, like excessive alcohol and drug use became a problem just because of the lack of certainty and the lack of security that being a business owner brings, you know, brings, we go and we go into business to create that security and create that certainty. But the reality is, it destroys it for the most part, and most of us deal with it in a very negative way. And of course, that impacts the relationship as well. So having been through that cycle myself, and then coming out the other side, and a couple of years ago, now, three years ago, or so it's like, I had the skill to bring the coaching business to market now. So it kind of went in full circle, I'm like, I really, this is really what I want to be doing. I've gone into marketing kind of as I've just kind of falling it fallen in that. But as a result of falling into it, I now have the skills to go back to what I was doing originally, and realizing where the real demand or where the real gap in the market was, which is for business owners and for men that are really struggling as a result of going into business and not really understanding the uncertainty and the stress that that brings and then falling into the drugs and the alcohol and then the destruction of that brings to marriage as well, if that makes sense.

Josh Bolton: 4:14

Oh, absolutely. I used to be a prolific alcohol abuser. And in my wake up call was my mom's a very patient person. I was living with her. And she's like, Yeah, if you keep drinking, I'm just gonna have to throw all your shit in the front yard and you figure it out. That was a kind of that moment. I was like, Oh, wait, I have a good deal here. I shouldn't do that.

cody: 4:35

Yeah. Anybody who's drinking? I mean, they might think that it's under control. But the reality is, as long as you're drinking your life is in is in freefall. It's deteriorating and Oh, yeah. Just just because it hasn't reached a point to where you recognize that Yeah. Doesn't doesn't mean that it's happening and unfortunately, like, with, with marriage, like with marriage, really, you know, men especially they don't realize this situation until it's too They don't realize until they've crossed the line and their wife has kicked them out or ask them to leave or ask for a divorce. Or they don't realize that they're in trouble with alcohol. And so they've crossed that line. And they've tried to stop and they can't, or they realize that their life is out of control, and they try to get it back. And they can't. And unfortunately, we go too far. And the way we find out that we we've lost control is that we've lost control, that's when people find out of course, when you've lost control, you're no longer in control. And you're in trouble at that point.

Josh Bolton: 5:28

And that's when people are they've been biting their tongue the whole time. But finally, they're like, we can't, we can't sit on the side, we have to tell them kind of thing. And that's, that's when usually you should listen. But you're probably like a whole handle of Tito's vodka. And you're like, what? They're talking to me. And the thing.

cody: 5:46

Oh, you just, it's just like, I think everybody, not everybody, a lot of people know that. They're in trouble. They're just in denial as well. Yes. They're just in denial. And like the, the number of people I've talked to you even talk show hosts like yourself, where they'll start asking questions, and they'll go, oh, well, I you know, I just have a glass of wine every night. And it's only controlled and then we dig a little bit deeper. And it's like, well, actually, it's a bottle of wine every night and then your first dress. And it's like, actually, it's it's a bottle of wine every night and you're not in control and your life's out of control. It's like, everybody says the same thing. I just have a glass of wine every night does it you know, just relaxes me. It's like, All right, well, that's the start of it.

Josh Bolton: 6:31

The one I joke with people is more like a close friend joke. It's like if you're gonna do something like that, like smoked marijuana or something, the worst that's gonna happen. You just veg and look at the ceiling be like, Wow, that's pretty.

cody: 6:43

What's better. It's a better of, like, if you're gonna do something. Yeah, exactly. Like nobody gets high and start to fight. No, they don't want you know, nobody goes, nobody smokes a joint and go smack their wife around. No, it doesn't. It doesn't happen. It's like if you're going to do anything, do marijuana, of course like that. That's that's what I say. I'm I'm not that I'm advocating that, you know, I'm not either. It's just, it's, yeah.

Josh Bolton: 7:06

If you have to pick one, pick that one.

cody: 7:08

Yeah, yeah. But really the sort of where I focus, we can go either way with it when you're wherever you want with this. But it's the businesses that say it's high performance men that have low performance marriages that it comes at the cost of their businesses as come at the cost of human collateral. Yes, they've damaged their relationship with their wife, they've damaged their relationship with their children, and they don't. By the time they realize that, that's what's happened, it's quite often, it's very late in the day, and the woman has been warning them and warning them and warning them. What's going on, of course, it's that date, it's the difference between the male and the female mind, the man is like, if I'm providing I'm doing everything that I need to do, and the woman is like, I don't want your money, I want you. So this is the man is thinking I'm providing for you, I'm being a good husband, I'm doing everything. And she's like, you're not being a good husband, because you're not there. And you know, by the time that it gets to the point where the woman just goes, I can't take this anymore. I'm out of here. That's when the man finally wakes up and goes, I've got to do something about it. And it's like, well, we left this very late in the day, didn't we? And usually, there's, like I say, when you start digging, there's there's more to it as well. There's usually drug and alcohol use involved or drug or alcohol use, and a whole soiree of negative habits that are that are causing the behavior and causing the problems.

Josh Bolton: 8:31

Yeah, absolutely. Especially the high performers. They use it's sad to see it this way. Unless someone directly like like a coach saying it to them saying, You're fucking up because of XY and Z. They're never going to get the memo. Because like, everything's steady. No one's telling me otherwise.

cody: 8:49

Kind of thing. What exactly right? I mean, if you want to, if you want to piss somebody off, just tell them the truth, that that's the easiest way to that's the easiest way and the fastest way to piss people off who everybody loves. The truth is like, well, like Jesus told the truth and get themselves killed, didn't. Allergy Yes, it got himself killed for telling the truth. It's like nothing will piss people off faster than the truth. And it's like nobody, nobody around you. And so when I start working with men, I'm like, ultimately, it's the truth that's gonna set you free. You've got you've got to learn the truth. And the truth is, you're not who you think you are, you're not behaving the way you think you're behaving, you're not having the impact that you think you're having. And the reality is like, almost everything you know about yourself or you think you know about yourself is not true. It's like that. You barely know your your name and social security number that most people do well to come up with that it's like that's about the extent of what most people know about themselves. It's like, what what's driving this obsessive behavior and business was driving this this self destructive relationship behavior and relationships and stuff like that. That's what we got to get to the bottom of we got to find out who you really are. And that truth is going to be pretty ugly.

Josh Bolton: 10:00

No, absolutely. And a lot of people do everything they can to not hear it.

cody: 10:06

So everything, everything.

Josh Bolton: 10:09

It's. So let's say a hypothetical, let's say I'm a client that we see came on to your program. I'm running a marketing firm, we're doing double digit growth. But I'm throwing back a pint of gin a day. But I've gotten my tolerance to the point it doesn't like, directly affect me. I'm not a slurry anymore. How would you have first Analects? Me?

cody: 10:36

Yeah, so the question is like, what would you have to believe, to conduct that behavior? What would you have to believe to engage in that behavior? Because just like, so you're smart guy, you know, you're not, you're successful, you're not. You're not naive to the consequences of what you're doing. Right? You're not naive to the consequences of what you're doing. So the question that really uncovers everything is what would you have to believe in order to engage in this behavior? Trigger?

Josh Bolton: 11:07

Obviously, the only thing that came to mind if I had to do it, if I was doing that, is I want it to feel numb. So I don't have to be hurt, I guess, be there.

cody: 11:17

Yeah, so that's where that's where most people that's where most people start with an answer something like that. We're just like, let's talk about like fast food, for example. That's an easier example to understand if you know fast food, if you didn't, if you know, fast food is harmful to yourself. Yet you eat it anyway. What would you have to believe to eat fast food knowing that it's harmful? And when you did, the answer is that I would have to believe that it's okay to eat food that's harmful, but to myself, Okay, well, let's go to the next level, what would you have to believe to do that? Well, I'd have to believe that I'm deserving of that harm. I'd have to believe that I'm deserving of that harm. It's like Now we're getting somewhere. Yes, like that. That's where people go, okay. Because at the end of the day, so if you're, if you're knocking back a pint of vodka, and I it's like, oh, anything really, it's like, you know, that that's doing harm to you? And if you said, What would you have to believe and to continue in a behavior that you know, is harmful to yourself? Well, I'd have to believe that I that I deserve that harm, or I have to believe, okay, well, let's go another level you've got, you've got a marriage, you've got a wife and children, you know, deep down inside or not even deep down that your behavior is damaging to that relationship. So what would you have to believe to continue in a behavior that is damaging to your relationship? What would you have to believe that continuing that behavior, you know, is damaging and continue to do it? And it's like, well, you'd have to believe that it's okay to damage that relationship, you'd have to believe that I don't deserve that relationship, because you know that your behavior is going to destroy that relationship. Or okay.

Josh Bolton: 12:56

I'm just going to interject there for a second, because I agree with everything you're saying. But what could also be that they feel they are deserving of that pain?

cody: 13:04

Exactly, exactly. I mean, it's not. There are many beliefs that will be driving this behavior and all of them negative. Yeah, for you to engage in a behavior that, you know, is negative and destructive. There are a lot of very negative beliefs, or self worth issues that underlie that. So this is this is what I what I mean, when people say I say people barely know their own social security number, right? They don't know the beliefs that are driving the behavior. They don't know the beliefs that are driving their behavior that uncovered their subconscious. So by asking the question, what would I have to believe to engage in this behavior? It uncovers the belief that's driving it. And then the next question, once you uncovered the belief, like, like you say, the belief could be I'm deserving of this negative outcome or this now a negative outcome is what I deserved. And the next question is, is that true? Is that true? And a lot of people go up, for me to engage in this destructive behavior that is destroying my marriage, I would have to believe that I don't deserve a great marriage or I don't deserve a great relationship. Okay. Well, let's analyze that it. Next question is, is that true? Let's get to the bottom of where that's coming from. And a lot of people go well, no, it's not true. Okay. So our entire life is built on a false belief, our entire life is built on a lie. Yeah. Our behavior is being driven by things that are not true. So now, you know, now you know what's driving your behavior. Now you know what you're making your decisions on. And now you know that that is not true. Now you have a choice. Now, you can turn around and make a different decision and a better decision. And if you're willing to face the truth, if you're willing to do that, most most, most people won't go deep enough. They'll just stuff and they go well, I'd have to believe that it's okay to do that. It's like, but you just told me it isn't right. You just told me it isn't okay to do Do that now you said that I'd have to believe that it is okay. It's like, most people are just not prepared to actually do the digging to get to the bottom of the belief. And which is where the transformation takes place is in the transformation of the belief system. Is that in the transformation of behavior,

Josh Bolton: 15:14

right? Yeah, that's the biggest one. I've been reading a lot of books on that. And wow, it's amazing. All the different nuances like at least here in America, but it's starting to realize it's everywhere is like saying, Oh, you need to do this, this and this, which actually, for an adult, because we can rationalize and compartmentalize for a child, though, you're imprinting? Oh, you are not allowed to have an opinion not allowed to have emotions kind of thing. Which is very confusing, because they don't know what the hell to do, then.

cody: 15:39

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I get I give the example of like, when, when I was young, I think I was about five years old. I remember my father came home, and he was holding a glove. It was in England, he had a glove and he goes, Is this yours? I said, Yeah, it's my glove. And he goes, Do you know where I found that I found it on the side of the road up the end of the street. And he goes, you just don't deserve nice things, coat it, you just don't deserve nice things. And at the age of five, like coming from somebody that you admire, and you believe and you trust, when they tell you, you don't need that you don't deserve nice things, if you believe that, then that impacts the rest of your life. So at the age of 30, it's like, I can't, I can't hold on to anything, I can get anything I want, but I can't keep it I can get I can get a business, I can get a relationship, I can get the nice car, I can get the income, I can get it everything that I want. But I can't keep it and I just keep going through the cycle of getting what I want, and then losing it, getting what I want and then losing it and I can't figure it out. And then finally, one day, I get through this process myself and you realize that the a very young age, somebody who you trust told you, you don't deserve nice stuff. And you believed that person. So whenever you get nice stuff that the belief kicks in that I don't deserve this, and of course, you lose it. And if you have a nice wife, you're going to lose it. If you have a nice business, you're going to lose it, if you have a nice house, you're gonna lose it. And that's just an example of like, really getting to the bottom of what belief system Am I operating on what is driving me here. And as soon as I can get to that belief, which is I don't deserve nice stuff. The next question to shine light onto it is, is that true? Absolutely. The answer is no, it's not true.

Josh Bolton: 17:27

So I may absolutely answer the question. Yeah,

cody: 17:29

yeah, no, absolutely. It's like, once once, once I can evaluate, I go, No, that's not true. I do deserve nice stuff. It's like now I'm set free from the behavior, the subconscious, self destructive cycle of get it, lose it, get it, lose it, get it lose it. It's just that one belief that's, that's holding you back. And it can be something as simple as like, you know, we've had, you know, you'll never amount to anything, you'll never be anything, why can't you be more like your brother? Why can't you be more like, you know, these things that are said to us that are seemingly quite harmless. And they're not said with any malice or intent, they're just things that are said that will probably said to the person saying it, and just one careless sentence can impact the rest of somebody's life unless they become aware of it. And if you tell a young, very young child, you don't, you'll never be anything. And that is now the underlying belief. It's like, the bad marriage is never gonna go away it go away until you deal with that the drinking or the bad behavior is never gonna go away until you deal with that, that the self sabotage is never going to go away until that belief is uncovered and dealt with and when it's uncovered and dealt with, then the behavior can change, and does change instantaneously.

Josh Bolton: 18:46

It does, it's surprising. Like, for me, my biggest one, I was told at a really young age, that junior high, so like 1213 I had this crush on this girl, gorgeous, long black hair, like beautiful blue eyes. And, but I was the really shy kid. And so finally, it was one of those days, she like approached me and it was like, obviously more flattered and nervous and shaking. And I had very crooked teeth. It did look like a like a canine. It's like a monster that would bite you. And so she said, No woman will ever love you. Because you are a monster and you're going to bite everyone's throats. From the like, the moment I had a huge crush on and for the longest time, I could never figure out why I couldn't build a lasting relationship with someone. And then recently, I tried online dating and that was a whole hot mess and of itself but one of them actually realized that wasn't trying to be an asshole. And she said you have a very bad belief about yourself. You might want to work on that. And that's when it came back to me I'm like, Oh, wait. And then pretty much I had to like NLP and restructure it and all that

cody: 20:00

Yep, so that's exactly what we're talking about for sure. Yeah.

Josh Bolton: 20:04

So I'm just curious for you. Let's say we're still going on the me being an alcoholic, with my marketing firm pulling in 25 30% growth every year? How would you convince someone who doesn't see anything wrong right now to restructure to at least slightly give you some authority in talking to them?

cody: 20:32

Yeah, so to be honest, I really wouldn't attempt to talk to somebody who didn't say that anything was wrong. So the like, you're not going to go into somebody who sees nothing wrong and telling them, Hey, there's something wrong with your life, it's like that that's never going to end well, for anybody involved. So for me, it's like, generally, generally speaking, when when I start to get involved with somebody, it's pretty close to the end. Okay, it's pretty close to the answer, usually, like most people, that they're in denial, and they realize they've got a problem, and they try to fix the problem themselves. And then they go back in denial again, because they can't, and then some, there's usually some catalyst in their life, there's some event, it's either a health event, it's a part of spousal leaving them event, they lose something as a result of their behavior. That's usually when people actually start looking for help. And with all of these situations, it's like unless, unless you really, really want to help the pain of the pain of doing something about it has to be less than the pain of staying where you are, to actually do something because change is difficult, just change as painful as you know, so. But for somebody to actually go through the process of change, then that has to be less painful than staying where they are. And that usually means that they're in a pretty bad situation, because the pain of the change is going to be quite considerable as well. So usually, when people reach out and ask for help, they're usually in a pretty bad state. At that point, they realize that they've got a problem. And that problem is probably out of their control.

Josh Bolton: 22:02

You get, you're getting to the point, we get all the baggage and damaging like, Alright, let's get through this.

cody: 22:07

Yeah. And I know for myself, like, if I'd have asked for that help earlier on, then then the latter part of the journey would have been much earlier, but we're just in this state where, like, we go far too far down that journey of thinking that there's no problem at all. And then once we do acknowledge that maybe there is a problem we get we continue far too far down the journey of going I can fix this myself. When when the reality is only for talking about alcohol. Yeah, I mean, alcohol is a formidable opponent. Oh, it is. It's a formidable opponent, it's going to kick your butt every day of the week. It's bigger, stronger and badder than then you are for the most part and without that external help, is probably going to win the fight but but people don't realize that it's not until they've been a few rounds with it that they realize that I'm dealing with an opponent hits formidable.

Josh Bolton: 22:54

Yes, it really is. The especially with the my mother intervening and saying what she did, I think I was getting to the point I'd wake up, because I didn't have a normal job back then I was I was like working an hour somewhere, then I have like three hours go to college and work an hour somewhere else. But I'd wake up at nine walked on liquor store bought a two Tallboys thrown back on the way home, and then and then eat breakfast. And I just, it was one of those when I was walking back and I realized I threw both the Tallboys back and nothing was happening. I'm like, and that's about when I like blacked out. And that's where my mom said something and it was like, this is a bit of a problem.

cody: 23:40

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's like in what In what world? Is that behavior? Okay, right, like, but we get we do it for a very long time before we realize. And if we see our behavior in somebody else, it's very easy to recognize and get an A that's not good behavior. That's not right. But when we do it ourselves, if you've seen that in anybody else, at that time, it would have been a red flag, right? But we the mind is very good at deceiving itself and allowing us to stay stay in that behavior much longer than we probably should for sure.

Josh Bolton: 24:10

So then, let's say I am now ready to change as a client. And I have all my baggage and stuff. What would be the I guess the first steps you would do to? Well, we re establish, find the derivative of why I'm doing that. But what would be the next steps in that journey?

cody: 24:29

So the first step really, is to create the leverage. It's like, what what is this costing you? Because again, a lot of times we stand the behavior because we're unaware of the cost, to say it's the same. It's the same with marriage. A lot of couples get married, get divorced, simply because they're not aware of the reality of divorce, and they're not aware of the cost and they don't understand the reality of what's actually going to happen here. When we separate and we divorced. They're not aware of the cost. And it's the same. It's the same with drinking. The first step is to actually establish the real cost of the behavior. It's like let's make it decision is that you don't buy a house without understanding the cost. You don't buy a car without understanding the cost. So it's like, step number one is, here's what drinking is going to cost you. Here's what it's going to cost, you realize it's going to cost you, your wife, it's going to go, it's going to cost you, your kids, it's going to cost you your business, it's going to cost you your house, have you actually sat down and counted the cost of what drinking actually costs, because it's not the board dollars and 50 cents for the Tallboy, or whatever it is, or however much it costs. And it's like, it's not, it's not that the cost is significantly higher. So it's like, let's put the costs on the table. And now at least we're making accurate decisions, we're making decisions with real information. That's that's the first stage is is to show the person the cost of their behavior, this is what it's going to cost you. And a lot of times that that that will create leverage. When you when you realize that you're going to lose your children, or you realize that you're going to leave everything that you've got, then that creates the leverage and the forward momentum needed to take the next step. The next step really, is to make to make that decision and to burn the bridges. It's like this is this is this is what I'm going to do and what I'm going to do as possible.

Josh Bolton: 26:10

So sorry, I was thinking like you, did you? Yeah. No, no, go ahead. Go ahead. I was just gonna say so then, let's say I acknowledged but I met at that unnatural amount of consumption like fight stop cold turkey Cadet europei. So would that be the slowly leaning off it and the thing?

cody: 26:29

No, so I don't believe in, in weaning off and stuff like that it's weaning off, it's just a way to continue. It's the way to behave bad and feel good. Okay. It's the way to feel like your point is the way to feel like you're doing something when actually you're deceiving yourself, you're allowing yourself to remain in your behavior. While feel feeling like you're doing something about your behavior. It's but it's black and white. Like, obviously, I'm not a doctor. And if you're a severe alcoholic, obviously seek medical advice and follow medical advice. But generally speaking, it's like, nothing bad is gonna happen to you with cold turkey. You're not You're not gonna you're not gonna die like it's going to be it's going to be unpleasant. But the reality is, I mean, I talk about soubrette, some spontaneous sobriety is I experienced something spontaneous sobriety, people are like that. I like the idea of spontaneous sobriety, like but all sobriety is spontaneous. And it's like firing a gun, you fired, the gun went off where it didn't, you don't wean yourself off shooting guns. It's like, the gun went off, or it didn't. It's like it's the same thing you're drinking or you're not you're sober or you're not. It's like all all sobriety is spontaneous there. There was a point when you're, you went from drinking to not drinking in that moment was a spontaneous moment. Maybe there was a history up to it or a story after it, but sobriety is a spontaneous thing. And and for most people, like most people are not at the point where they're, you know, they're sitting on the street corner with the brown paper bag, it's like they're drinking is, it's, it's like you say, it's like, they're functional alcoholics. And the problem is not that they're going to die. If they stopped doing it. The problem is, they're going to experience pain. If they stopped doing it, that's, that's the problem. You're going to experience pain. And it's like, well, you're gonna experience pain. There's no way out of this. That there there is pain involved at this point. So let's just do it. Let's just do it. Let's just get the pain out of the way, pull the band aid off.

Josh Bolton: 28:34

Yeah, that's kind of what happened to me. So essentially, I think it was like two days afterwards. I was just, I wasn't drinking as much to say I was throwing back like 10 beers. I was drinking like five. But then there's, I think it was just sitting there. I was like, why am I doing this kind of thing. And I just, I had a whole bunch of bought, and I essentially just gave it to my buddy and like, just just enjoy like, I can't drink anymore.

cody: 28:58

Yep, yep. And that was like me a liar. quits, I quit smoking. And I carried a package that carried the last pack of cigarettes that I bought, it was about 12 Cigarettes left in the pack. And I carried a pack of cigarettes and a lighter around with me for a year after I quit smoking. And the reason was, I'm like, This is not about willpower over I'm showing that I'm stronger than the cigarettes. It's like, if if the only reason I'm not smoking is because I have no access to it. And I haven't quit smoking, if the only reason that I've quit drinking is because I have no access to it. I've limited my access to I haven't defeated it. So I think that that it's not about detaching yourself from the temptation or whatever it is that you're struggling with. It's like it's developing mastery over it. And, again, the way the way to do that really is you give people a choice, you reveal the cost. This is the true cost of your behavior. If you continue with this behavior, this is what it's going to cost you. So if you continue with this behavior, you have nobody to put yourself to blame And your kids want nothing to do with you, when your wife leaves you. When whatever happens, happens, you have nothing but yourself to blame on nobody but yourself to blame at this point, because you've made a decision, you've now become aware of the cost. And you've decided that I'm going to continue in this behavior, regardless of the cost. So a year from now, three years, whenever when these things happen, don't get mad at anybody but yourself. Because it's one thing to start out, like we all get deceived into. I mean, you can't, if we watch Hollywood, the strong, powerful, alpha male who's sexually attractive to women, he's got the nice crystal glass right with the whiskey in it and the ice splashing around at the bar was like, you can't turn the TV on without seeing the message in that. To be a strong, powerful alpha male who's sexually attracted to women, you have to be drinking, you can't get away from that message. So and especially if we see that at formative ages, where we're developing a psychology, it's very easy to fall into that trap of, if I want to be a strong, powerful alpha male who's sexually attractive, I need to be drinking and then we fall into that trap. And we start drinking deceptively. Right. But now we're showing the truth of the situation. It's like, you know that, okay, you fell into that deceptively, that's fine. But here's the truth. Here's the reality of the situation now. So now you have all the facts. Make a decision, right?

Josh Bolton: 31:22

Yeah. That is very true. Yeah, I would have to agree. Like, part of the reason I was drinking, I thought it was like the cool guy. This and that. And then I was in college was a hot like, you're trying to go to college while drinking way too much. And you had I don't remember most of that. But someone told me that they're like, Are you drinking? Because it makes you feel numb? Or do you feel like drink because it makes you feel cool. And I was like, I think option two? If, and she looked at me, and she's like, you're not cool. By drinking. You're annoying. No one wants to deal with you.

cody: 32:03

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And again, looking at the underlying belief. So if you say, Well, I'm drinking, because it makes me cool. It's like, well, it's a self worth issue, isn't it? It's like, I'm not enough. Without the alcohol. I'm not enough by myself. Or if I don't have the alcohol, I'm not going to be accepted it. It all comes down to get into those core beliefs and say, Well, if you're drinking, because it makes you call, would you need to drink if your call anyway? Right? Like, what what what need is this alcohol fulfilling? And getting to that point where it goes, actually, what if you're drinking because you think it makes you call and say, well, then the belief is I'm not cool. Or the belief is I'm not enough? And it's like, well, let's look at that. Let's start addressing that. And if we can get to a point where it's like I am enough, so that we can get sorry,

Josh Bolton: 32:50

I cut you off again, then I

cody: 32:52

go, go go home. See. So

Josh Bolton: 32:53

on that note where it's like, I'm not enough. I totally agree. And that was actually the biggest problem for me. I had a crippling self worth problem, like I told you earlier. Yeah. That was pre primed a long time ago. Yeah. But so let's say for that, I wouldn't listen to you. Inherently, because I would say no, no, no, like the all call is more than enough to to be my crutch and get me through problems. Yeah, yeah. But I'm still I'm still paying you. So I'm willing to kind of listen to how would you? I'm paying you. So I just the psychology I'm like, I'm there to listen, because I'm paying them like$2,000 a month kind of thing.

cody: 33:30

Yeah. Yeah, to be honest with you wouldn't be paying me if you if you still have that viewpoint, right? It's like someone. This is like, why fees are important, because the better like when you work with somebody, the better the better the result, the better the fit, the better the result, and somebody goes, I've kind of got this somewhat ish drinking problem, and I'm happy to give you $500 A month or whatever, or$200 a month or $50 an hour, whatever it is, like, there's no indication that they're serious about this, that they're serious about their problem. If someone comes and says, like, just give a hypothetical number out there. So I need I need help with this problem. Okay, it's $50,000. Hypothetically, right? It's$50,000. Right? And that goes, Okay, I'm ready to give you fair, I'm ready to part with$50,000. To solve this problem is a very different person, if someone says I'll give you $50 or $100, or $500, very, very different person. And with all of these problems, just there's a progression, right? It's like most people, and if they're in that state where they think they can still solve their problems, they think they can have their alcohol and drink it or their cake and eat. It's like I can I can keep my alcohol and I can solve the problems like there is no solution for you at this point, you're going to have to to create to a point where you realize that you don't have control of the situation. The consequences of not gaining control are quite serious, devastating. And you need a solution now and it's like at that point You're ready to do what you need to do to find that solution, and the fees are an indication of that someone that says, I need to save, I need to save my marriage and I'm willing to do anything. Okay, well, we'll find out in a few minutes, if that's true,

Josh Bolton: 35:14

by me, 50k, we'll see we're about to

cody: 35:17

find out. It's like, I don't charge I don't charge 50k. It's just using that as a as a hypothetical example. But it's like somebody that that is in that situation. But again, it's like, high performance man, people that build businesses and people were very successful, it's like the generally successful because they're coming out for an inefficiency somewhere else, it's like, they, you can build that business to a very high level, because that's where you're finding yourself worth and validation, it's like, if I build a very successful business, then that proves that proves that I'm worthy, and I deserve the space that I occupy in the world. So a lot of times, this is why I will say like, high performance people are alcoholics, or they have problems with addictions and distractions is because the reason they've built something that is so high performance is because it's hiding. And then deficiency a belief somewhere, or is trying to make up for lack of self worth, they're trying to find the self worth in the thing that they're building. It's like if I can build something that that's big, and that validates that I am worthy. When the reality is, that's like saying, the spots on my face, of course, in measles, unit, you're never going to you're never going to find self worth in what you're doing is like you have to find self worth internally. And then that impacts what you're doing. You'll never find the self worth from going I count. I've built a big business. Now, now I'm worthy. It's like no, no, you'll just have a big business and you'll you'll still feel the sense of inadequacy and lack of self worth.

Josh Bolton: 36:49

So I want to touch on something you said earlier is the lack of self worth. But in efficiencies, what is the biggest? The two things that you see in your, your, your coaching? Is it just self esteem, self worth value kind of thing?

cody: 37:03

Yeah, it all it all comes down to the same thing. It's like lack self love. If you want to simplify it and take it down to its base format, it's like an issue is lack of self love, called root cause of all problems

Josh Bolton: 37:15

to you. Okay, this is now just getting a little more on the personal level, but I'm sure do you think it's because maybe like a parent over did something like non nefarious evil way, but maybe was more stern? And mean when he did a good thing? And just somehow translated that they didn't feel like they were worthy love? Just yeah, look what you've observed. Sorry.

cody: 37:39

Yeah. So it could be any any one of a number of things. So it could be it could be a parent, like, it could be a loving act that that's gone wrong. So some, like, for example, like, I remember my father making me polish my shoes over and over and over and over and over again. And just getting to the point where it's like, there's no way to make these shoes good enough for him. There's no way to make the shoe shine in five minutes. Like, in his mind, he's going. This is important because shoes are important. And if you have clean shoes and shiny shoes, that's going to give you better standing out in the world. If you go to a job interview, and you've got clean shiny shoes, you're going to you're going to do you're going to fare better than if you don't. And I would say like the two things from and that are important are a watch and shoes, I look at people's shoes, and I look at people's watches. I'm like, if you've got a nice watch, and you've got a nice pair of shoes, then the rest of your life is probably all right. I don't know if that's true or not. But that's kind of coming from that belief that My Father has put in me, right. So if you get to the point where it's like I can't, I can never get I can never achieve approval, I can never find that approval. Like it doesn't matter how good I clean the shoes, I'm never going to find approval that that translates into every aspect of life. It doesn't matter how big I build the business, I'm never going to find approval doesn't matter how successful I am, I'm never going to find approval, it doesn't matter how big I build something, I'm never going to find approval, it doesn't. It's never going to come. So it's it can come from that a pair of meaning? Well, it can come from a parent not meaning well, as long as as long as it's a manipulation as a society as a whole. It benefits the ruling elite, it benefits the people in society that we feel inadequate, and we pursue materialism to fill that hole. It's like if I if I feel that I'm not worthy, unless I have the latest and greatest, it's going to keep me consuming. So there's certainly a concerted push from the powers that be at every level of society, from from Hollywood to the school system to every every aspect of life, to make us feel inadequate to feel that inadequacy through consumption. There's no question about that. So where this sense of self worth is coming from, or lack of self worth is coming from, you know, there's umpteen dozen different places it can come from. That there's no one place, but it is ultimately it's the cause of all of your woes when once you once I go, I don't need your approval Joshi, you no longer have the ability to manipulate me, you can withdraw your approval from me and I still feel hold, I still feel I'm still fine, then the ability to manipulate me is gone. Whereas if, if I crave and need your approval or somebody's approval or society's approval in order to feel whole, then they have 100% ability than to manipulate me because they can remove that approval and they can manipulate my behavior to continue to get that approval, if that makes sense.

Josh Bolton: 40:44

Absolutely. That's a big one. I've just recently come across it back to that like online dating thing. I felt like I always had to have someone. Also my martial arts instructor was like the you have to have a woman to be successful in life of a blonde like, No, you don't. Like subconsciously, maybe I do kind of thing.

cody: 41:05

And, yeah.

Josh Bolton: 41:07

And finally, that's where I just told myself, I'm like, no, like, you have to tell my subconscious, like, it's going to be just trash right now you're trying to build a lot, we introduce a woman, she's the right one, you might push her away, because you're so damn focused on this stuff.

cody: 41:22

Kind of they will be putting you putting a nail you putting a requirement on her that is to you given her burden is too heavy to carry.

Josh Bolton: 41:29

Right. So I am right now or the way I'm rephrasing it or

cody: 41:33

that the with the attitude previously, when it's like I need a woman to feel whole or I need a woman to feel like I'm adequate. It's like placing your need for adequacy on her shoulders is a burden is too heavy for a woman to carry. Right? Well, a woman's job is not to validate you. That's not That's not like when you when you go into a relationship and the purpose for the relationship is it's a parasitic relationship, right, you're going into the relationship looking to take validation from the relationship fundamentally, is what you're looking to do. And it's not, that's not the natural order of a relationship, to go into a relationship to take that validation from the other person or to find validation from the other person, if you're off to the wrong site. It's like a relationship with somewhere you go to give, it's not somewhere you go to take. And this is why a lot of relationships fall on stony ground is because the person goes into the relationship looking to take, I'm looking to take happiness from this relationship, I'm looking to take self worth from this relationship, I'm looking to take validation from this relationship. And that's, that's a weight that's too heavy for the other person to carry. And eventually, they're gonna get tired of carrying it, and they're gonna leave. If you go, once you have that self worth, once you have that self love, it's like you can then go into the relationship and give it if you if you go into a relationship with the objective of giving, validation, giving that sense of love, given that sense of self worth giving it not taking it, that that's an entirely different scenario than going into a relationship going, I need to get this sense of self worth out of this relationship. Like that those relationships may they may work, they may stay together, but it's like, you're not going to be happy, or the other person is not going to be happy. It's only it's only when you actually have that sense of self love and self worth and self respect that you can go into a relationship and have a happy, healthy, productive relationship.

Josh Bolton: 43:25

Man that you put it so well, I I'm just reminiscing on what you were saying earlier. Like no one actually wants to hear the truth. It hurts too much. And that was the biggest one. I kept telling my instructor I'm like, Are you sure this is a loving relationship? And you're not trying to fill a void and putting all that burden on her? Yeah, he's like, no, no, no, we love each other. And they do. Because they bicker like crazy. Yeah. And I was like, that's not natural. He's like, Oh, it's totally normal. My parents did it. Her parents didn't. I'm like, It's not natural, though. That's just, it's not natural. He's like, Well, you're not married, you don't know. And I'm like, I've watched enough marry people. I know what's good and what's not?

cody: 44:06

Well, the reality is, most people approach the typical relationship. The typical relationship is to starving people coming together said Let's share our food. That's the foundation for most relationships. It's to starving people coming together saying let's share our food. And the bigger incomes because you think you're going into that relationship. You know, the foundation is Let's share our food when you realize that other person has no food. And not only that, they're eating the little food that you've got left. That's why the baker in comes about now you've got two people that thought they were going to get something out of the relationship. But all that's happening is that there's Ted they're having stuff taken from them and that's where the baker in comes from. When when I have such an abundance. It doesn't you can you can eat all you want. It's like you know, it's like when you can go to into a relationship with jobs and justice. Like Josh has the all the eight or you can eat selfesteem buffet. It's like you You can take as much as you want, you can eat as much self esteem as you want, you can eat as much love as you want, you can eat as much validation and self worth as you want. And it's still endless, they're still bringing out more. It's that that's when the relation there's no need to Becker in that situation, the bigger incomes from when I've got a very small amount of food, metaphorically speaking, and you're eating it. It's like, what are you doing? You're eating my food? Well, I thought that was the deal, right? We've come together to share each other's food, you're eating my food, it's like this. This is where the bickering comes from are at a very simplistic level, right. But that's where it's coming from.

Josh Bolton: 45:34

I like that analogy. That's a good one. I'm gonna definitely take that. Because that is so true. Like when one of my friends, he was like, consulting me about relationship issues. And he said, I'm like, you're asking a guy who chronically can never hold a girl longer than a month, how to run a relationship. And he's like, he's somehow just like, Joe tie. Well, you've probably the best then. Because he was like, okay, but that was what I kind of told him the same thing. I'm like, well, you're abundant in energy, and she's a vampire, draining you, eventually, the ratio, she's gonna drain you too much. And then you're gonna wonder what the hell happened when she leaves, because she has nothing to take from you.

cody: 46:17

Exactly. Like, I work with a lot of marriage, like marriage, marriage issues, really, as my main thing like that, that's really my main thing. And a lot of times the woman is simply exhausted, won't simply exhausted. And you know, I had a conversation with a guy yesterday, a client, and he's like, my wife is saying that she's just not interested in continuing, she's just not interested. And I'm like, well, she's exhausted, like, she can't continue. It's like, it's not like I want it, there comes a point when you're absolutely completely, utterly exhausted. And you just can't continue. It's not that she doesn't want to continue that there comes a point when the vampire sucks so much blood out of the other person, they're just like, I can't, I can't do this anymore. It's not that I don't want to do this anymore. Or I want to quit on this relationship, it's like, there comes a point when the exhaustion kicks in. And they have to start because they're simply exhausted. And this is where if you don't have that sense of self love, self worth validation, if you're taking it and taking it and taking it and taking it and taking it, there comes a point where it's like, the bank accounts empty, I can't give you any more money. And it's like, you know, people that my wife saying that she just doesn't want to work on this anymore. It's like the bank accounts empty, there comes a point when she can't give what she doesn't have, right? relationships don't relationships, the way relationships die as they starve to death. Very rarely does a relationship end from a gunshot wound. It's not like there's no it's not sudden death syndrome in relationships. Relationships just don't suddenly, spontaneously, and it's like relationships die of starvation, they starve to death. And it's like, when a woman is saying, or your partner said, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm not interested. It's like they're saying, I'm exhausted. I'm absolutely utterly exhausted. I can't I can't continue with this anymore.

Josh Bolton: 48:04

So I'm just curious. So then, let's say I'm that client from yesterday? What would be some of them? The advice now that I realized my partner or my significant other is completely drained. And I didn't mean to you? What would be similar steps, then you would help me out with that?

cody: 48:22

It's every every question, every action that you engage in with that person, you've got to first ask the question, Is this for me or for them?

Unknown: 48:30

Is this for me? Or for this thing? Okay.

cody: 48:33

Am I given or am I taken? So like an example here, there was a separation. And he said, she asked for space. So I gave her the space I moved out, yet nothing has happened. What did you move out for your benefit? Or for her benefit? Did you move out because she said I needed the space? And you thought, well, if I move out, that'll give her the space? And then she'll let me move back in? Is that was that the true underlying motivation? Because if that's the case, then you did that for yourself, not for her? Or did you move out because you can see that she's struggling? And regardless of what this does for you, in terms of the status of the relationship, you did this, because you can see that this is what she needs, and this is in her best interest. Why? Why did you do the things that you do? Was it for you? Or was it for her? And a lot of times you say, Well, I'm doing it for the other person, but the reality is, no, you're doing this for yourself. And if you're doing it for yourself, you're taking Stop, stop for a second and say, okay, my wife asked me to move out, I'm going to move out. I'm going to give it a space. Okay, well, why? Why are you doing that? Is this for you or for her? Now, well, this this ultimately, if we actually brutally honest with ourselves, this is for me, because I think if I do this, this is going to get me what I want. This is going to get me back in the house. This is going to get me back in the relationship. So if you could, if you didn't have to move out to get what you want, would you still move out? Of course not. So the antidote is always asking the question. Is this for me or is this for that the other person Is this benefiting me? Or is this benefiting the other person? And if the answer is it benefits me, I'm doing this because it benefits me Don't do it. Because that's you're taking you're taking from the relationship again.

Josh Bolton: 50:13

Interesting. So then let's say I've gotten to that point, and I'm working on that. Would it be the, like, I buy her favorite candy or soft blanket to like, slowly ease and show that this is, I care about you? This is the only way I can think of to show you this.

cody: 50:32

Yeah, well, what's, what's the motivation? Why are you buying the blanket? Is it because it's gonna get you what you want ultimately? Or is that because this is what she needs? What's the motivation would

Josh Bolton: 50:41

be kind of both because you'd be like those really soft Sherpa blankets. I've come to realize women want those in need those settings. So I guess it'd be a hybrid of both, but I guess it'd be more 51% for her 48 for me.

cody: 50:58

Yeah. So if it's for her benefit, and it's not, you expect nothing out of it. It's like if she gets under that Sherpa blanket, and you kind of sneak under it, whether and she pushes you off and goes I just it's like you're gonna go over that wasn't the plan. It's like, is the giving without any expectation of return? That's another question. If the giving is without any expectation of return, then then absolutely. 100%. Go ahead and do it for sure. But if there's any expectation of the of return, then the gift becomes a burden, right, then the gift becomes part of the vampire behavior. So a lot of like, usually, if we receive something from somebody, it brings about an obligation. Yeah, it brings it brings about an obligation. So if you and I were together, if I was in Los Angeles, and I took you I said, Hey, I want to take you out for dinner. So you're probably if I pay for dinner, you're probably going to pay for dessert, right? You're going to get dessert, or you're going to bite Hugo and let me get the coffee afterwards. So it might be like, well, let's go get a coffee somewhere after after dinner. And so, if I've paid for dinner, you're going to want to pay for the coffee afterwards. Because that's just the way the human mind works. Right? It's like one. If the reciprocation principle when when something good is done, then that there's a need for that to be reciprocated, usually. And quite often, it's very difficult for us to rest until that reciprocation takes place. If if we do something for somebody, then they feel a need to reciprocate back usually. So a gift can quite often be a burden to somebody because it create creates an obligation of reciprocation as well.

Josh Bolton: 52:32

That's interesting. You know, I was trying to ponder my boss. It's funny, he came in from migraine. So I'm like, I'm just be walking away and my stuff place where I'm working. And he's like, Oh, he has a headache. I mean, it's not the best thing in the world. But caffeine kind of helps have a headache. So I'm going by them his favorite monster, and they were all freaking out and yelling at me, like, full bought this. Why are they just and blah, blah, blah. Like, I heard he had a headache. I mean, it's not the best medicine. But here's some caffeine. Yeah. And then they all just like, look guilty. I was like, I just take it kind of thing. I already pay

cody: 53:06

for it. Yeah, that's good. But yeah,

Josh Bolton: 53:10

I was like pondering that when I was coming home from work. I'm like, why were they yelling at me? Now that you said, my Oh, they produce too many times. They're like, No, no, we don't want it.

cody: 53:20

Yeah, it gives quite often raised about the need for reciprocation. So it's like, if you're giving it without any expectation of reciprocation, then that's a good thing. If there's any expectation of reciprocation, or perceived reciprocation, then then you're just taking basically, again, you're taking you're taking from that person, you're putting an obligation on them that they didn't ask for, and probably don't want to be honest with you.

Josh Bolton: 53:48

And then now that you said, that doesn't really work, you know, and I'm like, Oh, that explains why they yelled me. They didn't mean to you they've been used too many times. Yeah, yeah. So then let's just say the biggest one that I've learned and I'm I'm sure you know this from your coaching. What if maybe like giving gifts to your your significant other woman is not what her preferred LoveLing which is how does how would I go to find out what her preferred approach of showing affection would be affection would be Oscar. Really?

cody: 54:23

Radical what? Women like we don't like there's no mystery here. It's like, women tell us what they want. Yeah, and we tell women what we want as well. It's like, we just don't listen to each other. So like I tell my language like the basis for the relationship is concrete language. Abstraction is the enemy concrete language is our friend. Say what you mean and mean what you say? It's like, if don't Don't tell me you. You want you don't care if I choose the restaurant if you do care if I choose it, don't don't tell me like, tell me what You want to just tell me what you want. That's the easiest thing in the world. So love languages, like I'm sure that they're great and stuff like that. But really, it's like, that's going to be for the earliest stage of the relationship. It's not if you're in a latter stage of the relationship where the relationship is in real trouble bringing your partner in bed is not breakfast in bed is not going to solve anything. Giving your partner a back rub is not going to solve anything. It's like that this is it's way too little way too late. At that point, it's like if your wife is looking at you, like you're saying, bringing her breakfast is not going to solve the problem.

Josh Bolton: 55:34

Oh, man, that was brutal. I'll just thinking about that old man. Yeah, yeah, at that point, it would just be like, Okay, what can I do? What can I do to start preparing this? I know it will take time. But what can what can I do right now to start? I guess, that's to tackle this. So what would be a better way for me to phrase it from your perspective?

cody: 55:54

Sorry, to rephrase what

Josh Bolton: 55:56

the what can I do right now to start changing things? without seeming blunt?

cody: 56:02

Yeah, right. Yep. So how can you start to turn the like, if the relationship is in the latter stages, it's in trouble. How do you turn it around? Is that Is that question working? Things you can do. To change the way you see your partner, to change the way you see your partner. So like, again, I had a session yesterday with a client. And the question was, if, if you in your head the conversation that you have with your wife and your head, if I spoke to you, the way that you speak to your wife in your head, could we have a relationship? Would you tolerate it? And he goes, No, I would not allow you to speak to me the way that I have the conversation with my wife in my head with self talk. It's like when you're driving, when you're driving down the road in the car, and you have an argue is not even in the car, and you're having a fight with her in your head. It's like the things that you're saying to us. Like, if you think that she doesn't hear that you think that the other person doesn't know what you're saying in your head. Because it's self talk, it's quiet, but it changes how you feel about her and that that comes across in how you act towards her whether you're harsh or whether you're soft, whether all of these things it's like, if you want to change the relationship, change how you see the person you're looking at. And it's like the gentleman I was talking to yesterday, it's like, in the first year or two years, the honeymoon phase of the relationship, the way that you the way that you saw your wife in your head, start seeing it that way again, start seeing the woman start talking in yourself talk in the in the imaginary conversations that you're having in your head with your wife, start talking to her in those conversations the same way that you did in the first year or two of the relationship. Stop talking to her in your head the way that you're talking to her now because it's negative, it's destructive. What language are you using to describe your life? It's negative, it's destructive. Start start using positive language in yourself talk start using positive images see the woman or the partner that you want to see not the person that your eyes are telling you are in front of you. That that is how you change the relationship you change how you see the person that's in front of you. That's powerful.

Josh Bolton: 58:10

I'm like I'm just sitting here trying to process them right that's that's true like when you first married you love each other the honeymoon. She's your princess your goddess, like whatever you want to input. But then after time, the memory not in a bad way fades a little and you're forgetting like Wait, was it this or this? Oh, she's being mean she's a bitch now kind of thing.

cody: 58:33

Exactly. It's like you know, I'll talk to people and they go oh, my wife's a narcissist. My wife's there's my wife that my wife's a bitch my wife selfish and it's like, well, maybe she is I don't know, maybe she is but is you telling is telling yourself over and over again that your wife's a narcissist that she's a bit as yourself? Is that Is that helpful or harmful? Does that help it? Is that helping the situation? Or is that hurting the situation? It's like, doesn't matter what she is it's like you can't change her you can't like the goal is not to change her The goal is not to work on her I'm like there's there's actions that you're taking that a half or this to this relationship right now that you can stop that you can change and you're not doing it. So why are you why are you holding her responsible for for this part of the relationship when it's within your power? To stop doing things and to change things that are destructive and harmful yet you're not doing it? Right it's like it's like stop using like if if you tell yourself in your head that your wife said NASA says 500 times a day when you have a cashier's check congratulations she is right that the first I mean how much but narcissistic behavior does she have to demonstrate before you conclude that you were right this much right this much? If I if the word narcissist has never entered my mind, how much narcissistic behavior does my wife have to demonstrate before I conclude she's a narcissist you know this much?

Josh Bolton: 59:58

Yeah, good Alicia sent that kind of thing, huge

cody: 1:00:01

amount before I go, okay, something's wrong here. So, my wife's analysis My wife's a narcissist, my wife and I says my wife and I says it's the conversation starts out from her. I, I knew it there you go. I've a new urinalysis, you oh you can do is talk about yourself. It's like all I said was I was get ready to say, I am going to the shop to buy some dinner. What do you want? So you, yourself fulfill the prophecy, you've prophesied that your wife is a narcissist, and now you will fulfill that prophecy. So if you want the situation to change, you have to change how you see the situation. That's how you change it. You don't you don't work on the situation, you work on how you see the situation. You change your perspective. That can be hard,

Josh Bolton: 1:00:44

though, that can be really hard if you that's especially entrenched from like, childhood. You

cody: 1:00:51

know, I said it was easy. That's true. No, nowhere, nowhere on in the warranty label of life does it say this is going to be evil. It's like easy. This is what I say when people go it's hard. And I'm like, well show me in the guarantee where it says it's easy. Show it show me where the promise that life. Show me the promise that life is easy. Like nowhere does it say it's easy. It's like Yes, correct. It's just hard. But you get here's the other thing, you have to live it regardless. You have to live life regardless. So it's like you can do the work and master it or you can just go this is hard and live a very average existence at best.

Josh Bolton: 1:01:26

Yeah, I was gonna say there's the one motivational speaker I don't remember offhand who it was. But he said, If you want your life to be easy, you must do what is hard. In what your life hot. And then he's like, if you want your life to be easy, no, you want your life to be hard. Do what is easy. What

cody: 1:01:42

is easy. That's exactly I mean, Jim Ryan was one of my favorite speakers. And he'd say, if you can't do it, that's why you must. If you can't, it means you must. And it's exactly it's exactly right. Everything you want right now, whether it's in business, whether it's in your relationship, whether it's in your health, it doesn't matter, you name it, it's like tell me what you want. If you don't have it, the reason you don't have it is because it exists on the other side of comfortable it exists on the other side of easy. You we've done you know people go I've done everything. I've done everything to quit drinking now you haven't done everything's comfortable to quit drinking. I've done everything to save my marriage. Now you haven't you done everything you're comfortable with. I've done everything to grow my business now you haven't. You've done everything you're comfortable doing. Everything you want exists on the other side of comfortable right now. And most people they want their cake and eat it. They want what they want, but they don't want to deal with uncomfortable or they don't want to deal with difficult so that again, that's like, better the fit the better the results, right this is this is one of the things that I'm looking for. It's like, are you willing to push through uncomfortable? Are you willing to go through difficult? Are you willing to do the hard yards? Or do you just want a quick fix? Because if you just want a quick fix, then you're not ready? Absolutely.

Josh Bolton: 1:02:54

So I'm writing down. Anything you want to say to comfortable?

cody: 1:02:59

Exactly. Good

Josh Bolton: 1:03:00

one. Another one I if one of my guests said it, but I've also heard it before on like on YouTube. I think it was that Dan Pina, the the trainer I tycoon guy. Yeah, yeah, that will take you it was would you rather have life be a slight or a bitch? And then whoever replies like, oh, I want to slip. And he's like, Well, the slug will just sleep with whoever she want he or she wants and not care about you. The bitch will help you be mean about it. He's like, I'd rather life be a bitch than a sled.

cody: 1:03:29

Exactly. I just

Josh Bolton: 1:03:31

heard I just sit there. And I'm sitting there going like, and that he hit more deeper levels if he intended to on, like the meaning of stuff. So that was just one of those I want to throw in there. I don't want to keep you up too late. Is there anything in particular that I might have missed that you want to go over?

cody: 1:03:49

No, I think I think it's we've had a bunch of stuff here hopefully throw some stuff out there that can help people get unstuck a little bit. If they're, if they're stuck in their life in some way or another.

Josh Bolton: 1:04:00

Definitely give this guy a call. Where can everyone contact you at?

cody: 1:04:06

So my main website is better marriage.com.au. Okay, that's kind of, you'll be able to find me that I'm not difficult to find. I'm not incognito, like the usual suspects, Facebook, LinkedIn, those social media platforms. If you type in Cody Butler, then pretty much you're going to find me I'm not I'm not in hiding or anything like that. I'm not undercover.

Josh Bolton: 1:04:31

Excellent. It's been an absolute honor and a pleasure to chat with you.

cody: 1:04:35

Thank you. Thanks for having me, Josh. I appreciate it. I appreciate you

Unknown: 1:04:38

too.