The Josh Bolton Show
The Josh Bolton Show
Transforming Relationships Through Self-Care and Boundaries with Rainie Howard
Rainie Howard is a bestselling author, speaker, and personal development leader with over 17 years of experience. As CEO of Love Book Store and InspiredFlow, she empowers individuals to embrace self-love, emotional healing, and purpose-driven living. Her latest book, The Love Habit, helps readers build healthier relationships through self-love. Featured on major networks like FOX, NBC, and ABC, Rainie is recognized for her expertise in emotional intelligence and spiritual growth. A dedicated wife, mother, and humanitarian, she continues to inspire others through her podcast, The Rainie Howard Show.
Celebrated author Renee joins us to share her transformative journey from a blogger to a renowned writer known for her insights on relationships and self-care. Renee reveals how she overcame the pitfalls of people-pleasing and the relentless chase for external validation by turning inward, embracing self-validation, and practicing self-care. She introduces her innovative LOVE technique—Listen, Optimize, Validate, and Experience—as a roadmap for nurturing oneself and fostering mental well-being. Learn how daily rituals like journaling and meditation have empowered her to clear emotional clutter and boost confidence, offering a compassionate guide for those yearning for inner peace and stronger self-love.
Ever wondered why being nice doesn't always yield the results we hope for in relationships? We tackle this misconception head-on, stressing the importance of setting firm boundaries while maintaining kindness. Through heartfelt anecdotes, we explore the dangers of ignoring red flags and the impact of energy and intention in social interactions. Discover how self-care can strengthen connections and transform your life. Plus, get a sneak peek at future collaborations and our commitment to spreading these empowering insights far and wide. Tune in for a dose of inspiration to craft happier, healthier relationships.
if you enjoyed the show be sure to check out my info:
https://app.wingcard.io/ROB3SA64
Howdy everyone, how you doing? So a little context to this situation before we get into the interview. Me and Renee were having a great chat and then we realized her professional mic wasn't hooked up and it kind of became a little debacle for about 15-ish minutes and the boy hasn't fully upgraded to premium zoom, so he's only got 45 minutes. So we got a solid like 25 30 minutes in of talking, um. So just a heads up it might be a little bumpy near the end, um, but I plan on inviting renee back and having her on without limitations so we can actually get a better story and insights on her knowledge. So without further ado, let us begin. Tell me a little about yourself and your backstory and what you do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I am a best-selling author. I've written nine books. Really, what I do started with me writing, just writing a blog, connecting with people on Facebook and just growing an audience just from sharing a message. I actually started the blog back in, I want to say, like 2012. And I shared, I was sharing stories and I shared relationship advice and actually shared about my husband and I and how we had been married.
Speaker 2:I think around that time it was about 10 or 11 years, I can't remember how many years, but I talked about our story and it just went viral and I wasn't expecting it. It reached over a million people and that led me to writing relationship books and talking about mental health and talking about how our self-care and our lives impact our relationships. As a woman who actually struggled with people pleasing, getting in different relationships, that wasn't working out and and and I started resonating with other people who could relate and so, yeah, so that's what led me, and so this is my ninth book. The Love Habit is what just dropped recently and yeah, so that's what brought me to this point.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. Can you tell me a little more about the love habit? By the way, I love to cover art on that.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you, yes. So the love habit is a technique that I share, with the acronym love L-O-V-E Listen, learn to listen to yourself, listen to your body, your mind, your spirit, learn about yourself. And as you learn about yourself and listen to yourself, you want to begin to optimize, which is the O for love optimize your daily self-care routine. That's going to help you to have a happier life and healthier relationships. And then the V is all about validate. You want to validate yourself, because a lot of times we seek validation from other people, and we just got to learn to not go after other people's approval but to know that we're enough and to validate yourself. And then, finally, the E is for experience to experience the love, the joy, the peace, the positive emotions that you desire in your life. And so I teach techniques on how to apply that in your life.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, that's what led me. I actually went through a really tough period in my life years ago it was about like six or seven years ago and it led me to. I ended up having depression, anxiety, panic attacks, just going through a lot of things. I had no idea what was going on because things were just changing in my life, and I learned how self-care is really the center of it all, and so I began a practice, a daily practice, which is what led me to write the Love Habit daily self-care practices for a happier life and healthier relationship.
Speaker 1:That's wonderful. One thing I want to touch on earlier that you mentioned, and then we'll go into the daily habits, is the validation part, especially. You mentioned earlier being a people pleaser and seeking validation through others. What did you do to validate yourself and get the same satisfaction without having to go to others?
Speaker 2:You know, the more I began to pour into myself, the more I began to make myself. I noticed how my self-esteem increased. I gained more confidence and I didn't need other people's validation because I was validating myself every day. Actions were sending a subconscious message to my mind that I'm enough, that I'm worthy, that I deserve to have the things that I desire. I deserve to put myself first to know that I'm enough. So it really started from that process of learning that, because I didn't know how to do that at first, I will put everybody before me as a mother and a wife and just, you know, a career. I was just so focused on everything else and that led me to feeling depleted and drained and I didn't understand that. It was a big reason why I was struggling so much with my mental health.
Speaker 1:Now that resonates with me because that's exactly what I'm struggling with. That's why I asked, because it's like what were some of the things you did? So was it like meditation in the morning, exercising and stuff like that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so with me, I learned that journaling really helped to. It was therapy for me, you know, just really getting out my thoughts, writing it out and clearing it out my mind, Cause I think a lot of times we hold on to a lot of the emotional pain and and negative thoughts. We just kind of just they just sit there and they just dwell in our they. They just it's like they they set up house in our mind and they just dwell there. And it's like I had to learn to clear out a lot of those thoughts and feelings and emotional baggage that was holding me back. And so, yeah, I I to begin to, meditation was major.
Speaker 2:I'll say that Meditation was one of the biggest things for me, along with journaling, but just really learning how to shut off my thoughts, Because my thoughts were getting in the way of what I really desire.
Speaker 2:You know, it was all the negative thoughts was stopping me from moving forward and the positive things I desired, and it's just, it's just, it's like just being in this little doom and gloom and I had to like push myself out of that. You know, like I'm gonna just not allow myself to dwell into this. Another thing that I noticed really helped me is just to get up early, earlier than I usually do, even though my body doesn't want to get up. But getting up early and moving it set something off in me, just like whoa, we got some things, we're doing, we're shifting. I don't know, it's something about that getting up and that just it puts you in a mindset of like a fighter or somebody that's boxing, getting ready for a championship, that's up early in the morning, the crack of dawn, and they're like going for a run, like you're putting yourself in this path, like I'm worth it, I'm gonna go for it and I'm not gonna allow these thoughts to keep me in that place yeah, I've noticed that too.
Speaker 1:When I wake up early and then just go to the gym for like 10 minutes at the sauna, that's like a like I'm in flow state all day, but then yeah like today. I slept in and just groggy and I'm like why, why?
Speaker 2:do I even try, that's what happens. I, I, I totally can relate. Yeah, that's exactly what happened cool, it's awesome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's one of my buddies I was talking to and he said pretty much the same thing in his own special way. He's like meditation is corny, as everyone says it. They don't fully explain it, but there's something about meditation and just writing it out. He's like it could be kindergarten level writing Just get it out of your head, kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Yes, it is, and you don't have to. It's like they call it mind dumping, like it doesn't have to make sense and you don't have to. It's like they call it mind dumping, like it doesn't have to make sense If you, if you know, just getting it out, getting it out, clearing your head is just yes, it is so freeing.
Speaker 1:It really is. So tell me more about the habit you mentioned, with all that getting in the habit and the structure to writing your nine books. Could you tell me more about that journey and how it got to where it is?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I first of all, I've I've been writing so long because I've been a person that loved to journal since I was like in middle school allowed me to be transparent with my writing and just to release it and to also be open to creativity and to listen to my inner voice and to tap into the wisdom that come intuitively. So journaling was the beginning of the path and then, after I started sharing my stories and helping people and people were reaching out for advice I was just inspired to write a book and I was like I want to share my story. So I started with my first relationship book was about my personal life and my story on how I end up meeting my husband. It's called when God Sent my Husband Wisdoms for Capturing and Keeping a Man's Heart, and it was just me just getting out my story. And then, after doing that, I had so many people reach out to me because they were so inspired by it. But they were also struggling with toxic relationships, and so that led me to doing more research on why we get stuck in toxic relationships, what is toxic love, addiction, which is real, and how we can begin to free ourselves of it. And as I studied that more, did more research on it. It led me to write Addicted to Pain, renew your Mind and Heal your Spirit from a Toxic Relationship in 30 Days and I can say my path to writing is.
Speaker 2:It doesn't feel like work to me because it's like I have an idea and I just start and I and I organize my chapters, what I want to focus on and write about, and then what I do is I kind of open my calendars for time for writing, which me, my, I enjoy writing early in the morning. I feel like I'm more creative. So when I'm on that in that writing season, I try to write at least two hours a day and then I'll just like give myself the break on weekends and everything. But I spread it out and it's not always consistent. But this book was a lot because this was the first traditionally published book. All of my other books were self-published. So this one was me working with a publisher and I had a deadline and I had to have at least 40,000 words. So it was more of a crunch time. So I really had to focus in. But I look back and say, say, how did I get it done? Just a few days and they all add up eventually yeah, and I had a publisher like a it's.
Speaker 1:He's a new publishing company and that's where I asked him about that and I said how do you, how do you get your authors to do it? He's like, like most creatives miss their deadline, but we know that kind of thing. Yeah, but he said he's like, just show up. He's like, even if you miss like two days, just show up at least five days a week, like you said. And he's like you will at least have the book decent enough and we could probably fix it later, kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's exactly exactly that's how it went. But so what company, what publishing company did you go?
Speaker 2:with uh for the traditional route. So I so first I had to, because it was just a whole different process. I had to, um, find an agent because I had, you know, I had to first pitch myself to different agents that were in the self-help category, who focused on these type of books, and so I had, I came up with a list of agents and I just started sending out emails and I had this, um, it was like a small book proposal that I would send them with my bio and all the things and the ideas about the book. So once I did, you know, interview with a few agents, I end up picking and signing with an agent. And once I signed with her, we had to work on getting the book proposal ready to pitch to the publishers. And so that was that took a few months because I needed help with that process.
Speaker 2:I had never done a full book proposal and I didn't really know how it was and going through that process was lengthy.
Speaker 2:And then, once the book proposal was done, we started sending, she started sending and pitching the book proposal to different publishers, and that you know you get denied and you get like, oh, and then it's people that's like interested, and you have interviews with them and then they pitch it to their team and they're like, oh, we're going to pass. So you just going through this emotional roller coaster and you're just like, oh my God. So finally the book sold to Broadleaf Books, which is the publisher I'm with. And yeah, and once the book sold, it was it was just working with the editor. So it was it was just working with the editor. And so, yeah, finishing it up, and I think I had about six months to complete everything after I, after I started with my publisher and then I had to send my draft and I think I probably had, yeah, like five or six months in my draft, final draft, and then we went through the process of editing and all of that stuff. And yeah, and now it's here.
Speaker 1:Wonderful.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You gave us the acronym for love. What are some other topics that you delve into that really resonate and are like touch on your heart?
Speaker 2:You know, I have to say one of the things that I talk about in the book and it's actually in chapter two of the book but I talk about your personality and how our personalities are defining not only who we are, but it's telling other people how to treat us, and so we don't always know that there are certain personalities that can attract toxic relationships. Someone asks them to do something hey, can you babysit for me? And they're like, yeah, even though they don't want to. You're basically teaching the other person that you might be a pushover and they can get what they want from you because you always say yes, you never say no, you never have boundaries, and so these are just some of the personality habits that can attract unhealthy relationships. So I go through different personality habits in the book and just talk about how you can work on not only being aware of them, having more self-awareness, but learning how to have better relationships through your personality, because we teach people how to treat us by how we show up and how how we honor ourselves.
Speaker 1:Interesting. So I'm just curious, as me thinking, is there a section within your personality for, like the nice guy or the nice girl, kind of thing?
Speaker 2:within your personality for like the nice guy or the nice girl kind of thing. I'm glad you said that because chapter I might as well get into it now.
Speaker 1:Let's do it.
Speaker 2:Chapter one is called Nice People Get Hurt Too.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And the reason why is because people we often think, oh, I'll have a great relationship. And just this is an example for people dating or in romantic relationships. They may start off like, oh, I'm gonna have an amazing relationship because I'm gonna treat them so good, I'm gonna be so nice, I'm gonna, you know, buy them this and take them here and call them and share things and all of that stuff. But nice people, just being nice, doesn't mean you won't get hurt, because a lot of times people think being nice is a protection for them to have someone be nice back to them when that's not.
Speaker 1:That's not always reality, unfortunately you're more likely to get hurt because of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if it's. I mean, if it's not, you know, it's not always going to happen. So what I talk about is it's better to be kind, but you also want to be upfront and you want to have some balance between um. At times where you need to be direct, you need to have the hard conversations. You may need to say no, I'm not available, but that doesn't mean you're not interested in that person. You just have boundaries, and I think people are afraid of boundaries because they don't want other people to think that you know kind of thing right, right, right.
Speaker 2:I don't. I don't want them to not like me. We want to be liked, and so I don't want to hurt their feelings, I don't want them to be mad at me, but let me go ahead and, you know, say yes and not have any boundaries.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, that was my last relationship. I like I miss so many red flags. Now, like with hindsight looking at it, I'm like, dude, there were so many in front of you, like, for example, when we were first talking, I mean, like the first two weeks I was just nonstop texting back and forth and I was like, oh OK, this is really, is really cool. I was lonely. I was working night shifts at the time. She didn't really have any friends, so I'm like all right, so I'm like her weird friend. But after like the two week point I realized she intentionally kept holding me up, like because I had to go to sleep by one o'clock 1 pm and I'm like she knows I'm supposed to go to sleep and she still keeps talking to me. Okay, whatever kind of thing. And then that was the biggest one I realized when I actually set boundaries, she just freaked out.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Sorry, you go.
Speaker 2:No, yeah, that's so good. I'm glad Thanks for sharing that, because that's a great example of what I talk about and I share with my clients, because sometimes in the beginning of the relationship it's like you really want to, it's like you're excited because it's a new person, but at the same time you have your boundaries and you can't you cater to all of their needs right and so yeah, and so I think at the beginning is where you really can like throw those boundaries out there just to kind of see how far they're willing, like how much they like you and are willing to invest, and say you know what, I'm gonna honor your boundary so that you get your rest.
Speaker 2:That's important to you. I'm going to call you back, but some people can be very clingy and you know that could be a big red flag, you know. But I love that Just knowing how to put those boundaries out there and let them know I have you know. I think it's good to say up front hey, just a heads up, these are the best times for us to talk because I'm doing this. And then, once you test it and they start, you know, you know, like you said, she just went overboard once you start implementing it, because she was so used to being able to get what she want.
Speaker 1:So yeah, Now that was the biggest one. With like hindsight, my dude, you were lonely and, frankly, a little horny. You should not have just tolerated that kind of thing.
Speaker 2:That is the because, listen, when you're in a place where you're kind of, where you're desperate, where you're just like I'm, I really need a relationship. Other people can sense that and they can. They can pick up on that energy, and so that that's another thing I talk about in the book is that you know you may not be aware of this, but people can read your vibes and your energy without you even saying the words. So just knowing that, knowing that you in a place and where you are right now emotionally, energetically, physically that's going to influence the relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I learned. I actually learned that by accident after I broke it off from my ex and I was this very nice lady at one of the sites I work at and I noticed she worked, put a lot of effort, with like a hot pink sweater with this matching hot pink shoe. So I was like I remember from my ex, I'm like okay, if they're matching like that, they really put a lot of thought into their outfit. But they're going to say're gonna say no, no, no, this little thing, I just slapped it together, kind of thing. So I said, hey, that's a really nice outfit. And she's like oh, thank you, this little thing I just slapped together and like so she would put a lot of thought into it. When it's like, all right, we'll have a good one, went about my day and it was just one of those, literally, because I just cut it off quickly. She actually came back and was like so started talking to me and it's like hey, you. So I was only like guys approach girls, how does this work?
Speaker 2:is it because I left her so quickly?
Speaker 1:it was just one of those yeah yeah, that, that.
Speaker 2:That is. That is something, because it's like you gave her a compliment and that probably made her day you know you don't, you don't even realize some people that could be all they need to hear and and that probably opened her up to say, hey, I'm kind of interested, you know? So, yeah, I can see that, yeah well, it was just.
Speaker 1:It was interesting. I mean it was a hot mess, it could be a whole freaking podcast for that one, but essentially a lot of things unraveled. But I was. I always remembered. I'm like, wow, I just gave a compliment, a simple compliment, and this beautiful woman actually asked me for my number and I think Wow, yeah, that's all it takes.
Speaker 1:One. Yeah, it was someone else told me like apparently, apparently I don't know if this is true or not, uh, but a lot of women are not getting the same amount of compliments as they used to, I think yeah, you know, I think I think a lot of men, um, especially now in society, because with with social media, with all of the virtual distractions, aren't as they're not approaching women as much as you know.
Speaker 2:I think it should be, it should be more of that, it should be more in person. I think a lot of people are comfortable hiding behind the dating app and doing, you know, long distance there's more long distance relationships and things like that, but I do think the in-person compliments matter, you know, and it could be that simple, you know, yeah. Yeah, I think, and especially when you're polite, you're not just. You know, hey how do you? Know you're being polite about it, then it makes. It makes a difference right, yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:Um, just a heads up, though, with the debacle in the beginning. Uh, we only got like five minutes left, do you?
Speaker 2:want. Okay, no problem, do you? Want to do like a reschedule to continue this oh, um, we're good, we can what go with the flow.
Speaker 1:We can wrap it up if you want or however you want to do it I just don't want to be awkward halfway through a conversation no, that's okay, I'm I'm all.
Speaker 2:I'm all for it. I understand, I think we did. I lost track of time. I think it did say 45 minutes or something like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah it's, it's all good. Yeah, I agree with the compliment part. We're wrapping it up real quick. Tell us more about what you're doing, current campaigns where they can reach out to you. They want to stuff like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so I'm available on social media under Rainy Howard. You can also go to my website at rainyhowardcom. The book, the Love Habit, is available. You can look up any of my books. They're available anywhere books are sold. You can get it on Amazon. They're shipping out pretty fast, so just search the Love Habit by Rainy Howard on Amazon. But also I have a podcast, the Rainy Howard Show, which is available as well on YouTube and other podcast platforms. But this conversation I think it's really good to know that you know, when it comes to our daily self-care practices, it can impact not only our lives and bring more happiness, but also our relationships. So I just want to encourage everyone who's tuning in to apply the daily techniques in your life and you'll see transformation.
Speaker 1:Perfect. Well, I just bought the audible version of it, so I'm looking forward to hearing you talk about it.
Speaker 2:I see that you read it, oh, thank you Awesome.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Now, this has been really good. I probably will reach out to you again to get an air calling, because you definitely have a lot of knowledge and it would be very valuable to me, but also to everyone else listening too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let me know. Let me know, I'll try to put it on the schedule, definitely. So where can I hear the podcast? When it's available, you'll send it to me, or?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have your email and stuff like that. I'll send you the link and all that information.
Speaker 2:Okay, perfect, and I'll share it with on my platform too.
Speaker 1:Wonderful. Thank you, it's been an absolute honor and a pleasure.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you so much.